DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
