oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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