Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
