so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
