On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
