i wish my penis had a tongue
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
