Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
