So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
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We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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