please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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