did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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