I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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