took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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