she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
