there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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