I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
