ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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