By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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