I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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