How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You dont lie about slip and slides
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
