why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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