Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
