No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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