First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
