It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
