i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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