I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
