He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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