the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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