On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
