If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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