Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
