Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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