I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You're so nebulous sometimes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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