I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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