: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
