You made me cry and you don't even care
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
