my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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