Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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