I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
