Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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