I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize