Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
