i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize