I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
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He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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