Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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