I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So much Jack, so little girl.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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