Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Operation Purity has been aborted
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
