i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
