and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
