when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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