my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize