Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
